Sleep

I've always been someone who could sleep. I've also always been someone who can get up early and actually feel awake. Both are a blessing. But in the past month in particular, sleep hasn't been going so well. I often wake up at three in the morning and find I just can't sleep. I try so hard not to let my mind wander to things it shouldn't...namely, all the things I'm worried about...and I often manage to push those thoughts aside, but still it takes forever to drift back to sleep. I try to pray. And I do, but my mind wanders and my body sends me little annoying updates. My back hurts. I have to go to the bathroom. Again. I'm thirsty. Again. I have to roll over. Again. Too bad I'm trapped between my husband and the dog, and the blankets feel like tethers. The baby kicks. Again and again. And I wonder whether he's actually nocturnal and will be awake through the night after he's out here with us, breathing air. I wonder.

Eventually I either realize that I will not be going back to sleep, like tonight (or, I guess, this morning), so I turn off my alarm and get up. Or at some point I realize that sleep may come, so I turn off my alarm to avoid being awakened in an hour or two. Either way, it's no good. The day will be disrupted in some way or another. More things I simply cannot control. This seems to be the lesson that life offers me. I'm not sure whether it's the lesson I'm supposed to learn.

But what does all of this really mean anyway? This baby is an awfully good reason not to sleep. I know. And I can get up and get a glass of water. I can work. I can turn on the news, as I've done this morning, and see just how fortunate I am.

Haiti is a disaster. Pat Robertson says that in the 1700s the Haitians made a pact with the devil, and that's why their lives are such a disaster and they suffer so unspeakably. I have no idea whether any of that is true. But I know that Haiti is the most desperately poor country in the western hemisphere, and I'm pretty sure they need help and compassion instead of some finger-pointing at their ancestors. Ugh. Why can't Christians ever keep their mouths shut and just let their compassion and generosity do the talking? Like that quote attributed to St. Francis: "Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."