Night and Day

I live inside the Psalms. They give words to my days, an endless source of comfort and help. On Sunday these verses from Psalm 74 jumped out at me:

Yet God is my king from of old,
Who works deeds of deliverance in the midst of the earth.
...Yours is the day, Yours also is the night;
You have prepared the light and the sun.
You have established all the boundaries of the earth;
You have made summer and winter.

Some Christians like to think there should only be light. That if there is darkness in your life, you are at fault. You should pray more, believe more, and worship more until the darkness goes away. The darkness is just not meant to be.

I think God and the Bible are much more nuanced that most Christians. Psalm 74 says, "Yours is the day, Yours also is the night." There is day and night in my life, all the time. I don't think we can live with an ounce of peace if we have to endlessly fight the darkness in our lives; if we can't just say, this, too, is a part of life. I think most Christians are wrong, quite frankly. At least the loud ones anyway. I live in light and in dark, and Emmanuel lives in it all with me. And thank God for that.

Focus

Yesterday we went to a nearby state park, just me and the littlest. It was one of those summer days that makes me wish every day would be like it and fear that there will never be another as perfect: sunshine, dry air, a breeze, warm. The boy plunged into the cold creek water, squealing again and again. He did a circuit through sand and mud, and then ran in, as deep as he could go. I dug my feet into the mud and listened to the breeze rustle leaves, the water run over rocks, and the boy sing, "You're my best mommy. You're my hero." .

It is easy to see the glass half empty. Some days I can think that this isn't the shape my life was supposed to take. And certainly by now I should have had some time to think my own thoughts and sleep past 5:30 a.m. I should have been helping my older boys figure things out and accomplish what they need to accomplish to set them on the best trajectory into adulthood. I should have been working more, earning more. College is upon us. Instead my days have been consumed by a relentlessly demanding little one. A complicated boy. It feels like he takes everything from me and leaves me with very little for anyone else. I can grow somewhat resentful if I let those thoughts sink it. I worry that the situation makes his brothers resentful, and surely it does sometimes.

But yesterday we went to the creek. We kicked up cold water and searched for shiny rocks. Later we sat on a boulder beneath a tree and just listened. "I like it here," he said. He kissed me and hugged me. I would never have been listening to a breeze, squishing my toes in mud, or splashing in cold water yesterday if it were not for him. My glass is not half empty. It is overflowing. Some days I just need to remember that.