It is amazing to me, when I stop and reflect on it, the degree to which feelings of failure dog me as an adult and as a mother. These feelings are my constant companion. I don’t know why my fall-back position is to see what I am doing wrong rather than what I’m doing right. I don’t know why I can’t just cut myself a bit of slack. Yet at just the thought of that, I think, why should I?
There are a lot of reasons for this, but one contributing factor is – my children! They are not only articulate but they’re quite open with their thoughts and feelings. Honestly, sometimes I think I’d prefer it if they were a little less honest. Kept a few thoughts to themselves.
This is perhaps not the best example, but this morning, Son2 said, “When are we going to start doing other classes for homeschooling? Isn’t the whole point to try new things? To broaden your horizons?” And that’s a direct quote. I heard this and I felt like a bomb went off inside of me, all this frustration with my own shortcomings. And so what’s a mother to do except get defensive? And I say something like, “Just because I haven’t found any classes for you doesn’t mean I haven’t been looking. I’ve tried really hard. I have a lot to juggle, and I’m doing my best.” I also said, “Yes, that is one of the reasons for homeschooling, and it can be a benefit, but our main purpose was to make things less stressful for you because of your migraines.” Just to make it clear that I wasn’t a TOTAL FAILURE. Ugh.
For me, the opportunity to feel like I’m failing lurks around every corner. I wonder if other women feel this way. Here are just a few more glorious examples:
My friend comes to pick up her son who’s been playing here for the afternoon. She brings homemade cookies for us. I think, I suck. I never bake.
I hear about people who are doing creative things. I nearly despise myself. I am not writing. I’ve pretty much trashed my manuscript. I’m rethinking the characters, confused about the point of view. I think, I will never be able to do this. I don’t know how to write this way. And, I can’t even find the time. I can’t even get dinner made half the time. Who am I kidding?
Another day goes by in which I don’t make phone calls that need to be made – doctor appointments that need to be scheduled, the appliance repair man to come and fix our leaking refrigerator, the fencing club (yes, really) about fencing lessons for my dissatisfied homeschooler. And yes, another day has gone by.
Son2 says, “We used to do fun things on Saturdays. Now we never do.” Great. You’ll have no happy memories. Is there any point in explaining the ins and outs of this? The activities. The exhaustion. The need to occasionally clean the house and keep things from falling apart. And is it really never? I know it isn't, but still I feel that frustration with myself exploding. It's so easy to believe I'm letting my kids down.
Why is it so hard for me to focus on what I do well? On what I actually do accomplish? I really have no idea.
***
On an entirely different note, I was watching the news yesterday morning and I saw a commercial for the Broadway Across America tour of A Chorus Line, which will be coming to the Hippodrome Theater in Baltimore. We don’t have our tickets yet, but I’m super excited!
9 comments:
Nina, you are completely normal in feeling that way, I think. On the other hand, you are completely fantastic. I bet the woman who baked those cookies doesn't homeschool one kid while taking her other kids to school and making sure they are doing their extra-curricular activities, is a professional editor, writing a book (you ARE writing a book, even if it's super fast), taking care of animals, and keeping a blog (and I am sure there is a ton of other things you are doing that I don't know of). I guess my point is that we all have our strengths and it really is okay that yours might not be baking.
Drew did not marry a cook. Heck, he didn't even marry a person who is home much (poor guy!); he married me. Whatever that means.
...And we could kill ourselves trying to compare each other in everything we do...I am not trying to preach, here, either; I totally understand. I am just saying that God has a path that only you can accomplish and that you are doing a really good job of walking.
Oh, and thanks for the shout-out for ACL--I am so excited you guys are gonna see it, it means so much to me!!!
*I meant to say (you are writing a book, even if it's not super fast)
Nina:
Apparently, it is not just women who deal with this issue.
What my darling wife always reminds me of is "Who are you listening to? Is it the Spirit of God, or the Accuser of the Brethren?" I think that it's the Accuser. Now, you might say that what you are hearing isn't the Enemy, it is yourself. Well, if it is yourself, it is the unevangelized portion of yourself. It is the portion that is still agreeing with the law of sin and death, not the law of life. The law of sin and death says that you stand accused. The law of life says that you are accepted. Regardless of how little or how much you do, you are acceptable to the One whose opinion really matters.
On a practical note, you could turn Son2's questions and comments into homeschool activities. Say to him "YOU research options for fun classes. YOU figure out what fun thing we can do on Saturday and set it all up so all the rest of us have to do is show up." In the short term, this will probably take some effort on your part to get him started, but it will instruct him on how much work it can be to set these things up, and maybe make him less likely to send the (probably unintended) message that you aren't working enough. Or, when he sees that it leads to actual work on his part, maybe he won't complain.
Oh, and BTW? You don't suck. You're amazing. Any wise person can see that.
Oh, and just to add: coaching Son2 in how to find classes and in how to plan a group activity? It all counts for school - "Practical Life Skills 101."
Nina, I can add nothing to the previous comments except maybe a worldly suggestion to smack son2 upside the head (just kidding !!!!)Rest assured that you are as normal as the rest of us (sorry) and we love you!
Perhaps I should have titled that post "Needing a Pep Talk." Sorry.
Jess, you're right. A good reminder. Drew surely wouldn't trade the you-ness of you for a woman who is home more and makes dinner every night. Anyone can do that! Except me of course.
Peaj, thanks for not thinking I suck, and thanks for the practical suggestion. Definitely a good one for me to use.
And Michele...yup. I have, on occasion, had an overwhelming urge to smack certain small people upside the head.
I completely understand how you feel. When I am working I feel badly cause I don't clean the house. When I am off I feel guilty that Mike is working and I just make dinner and do a few things.When Mike is off he still is productive...me not so much. I procrastinate phone calls that I have to make IE the guy to fix the heater(while I am sitting in my cold house. I start doing creative things and then I stop and think it is crap. I used to write more and I wrote better. I used to call friends and make an effort to see them. I used to be a better friend to people. I used to be thinner. I used to be funnier.I have a list of things I wanted to do before I died and the ship has sailed on many of those ideas.AND I can't conceive a child. I could go on and on(and I kind of did) about how I feel like a failure. Let's create a support group to make each other feel like the awesome people we really are.
Merry, I agree. We should be our own support group -- PFFGA -- People with Feelings of Failure and Guilt Anonymous. We'll have to work on the anonymous part.
maybe that group can get together for game night and pot-lucks with Overly Sensitive Anonymous...
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