Yesterday I talked to my forever best friend and she told me some terrible news. A good friend of hers, age 44 and pregnant as a result of their third (and final) round of IVF (they're out of money), had recently learned that their baby had trisomy 18 and aborted it. Her. A baby girl.
This is just heartbreaking to me. For years this woman has wanted nothing more than to get married and have a child. She got married just a few years ago, and they have been trying ever since for a baby. This woman has had a difficult life. Both of her parents have been dead for years. Her siblings are morons and she has no emotional connection with them. She had a close relationship with her mom before she died and desperately wants to be a mom herself... Her career has been in a tailspin for years because the industry she works in has undergone much change and she doesn't bring home the salary she used to. Her husband has some difficult health issues... And now their dream of building a family is dashed, ended in loss and grief.
Last week my husband and I sat in the office with the genetic counselor and listened to all her doom and gloom. I don't recommend getting pregnant at my age. The statistics are nothing short of alarming -- 1 in 35 pregnancies will have chromosomal abnormalities. We were told that the ultrasound we were about to get would identify 99 out of 100 cases of trisomy 13 and 18. Those babies rarely live more than a year. And it would identify about 70 out of 100 cases of down's syndrome. We watched the ultrasound intently. Counted limbs, fingers, and toes. Held our breath as we watched the four chambers of the heart contract and expand -- a mesmerizing sight.
Despite the terrible odds, the doctor came in after the ultrasound and said our baby looked so good that the likelihood of problems had dropped dramatically -- to about a 1 percent chance. As I said in a previous post, God doesn't need the odds. He likes to battle tens of thousands with an army of 300.
And so this baby we have not asked for or looked for appears to be the most beautiful and healthy baby boy...and I am humbled. Why me? Who are we to receive this gift? We already have the three most wonderful boys on this earth (no offense intended to my readers' sons), and now we are being given what so many people so desperately long for and pray for.
There are many ways to be reminded that we are not God. This is one way that God has reminded me of that essential truth. I don't create life, and I don't get to set myself up as God's judge and insist that someone else really needed a baby more than we do. I confess I did just that a few months ago when i found out I was pregnant. Honestly, I am sometimes astounded by the things God can forgive.
6 comments:
thank you for this.
and so happy about your beautiful baby boy.
That's the question I ask myself when I contemplate the wonder that is my family, my friends, my community: Who am I that I should receive this? I know who I was, and I was not on a path to gain any of these things.
And I know that this is just the blessing in this life, with something so astounding in the life beyond that I can't even grasp the concept of it. I ask why about that too. And I get the same answer: because God decided.
It is humbling.
I needed to read this today. thanks. and I think the perfect name for your son is Elvul, cause that is my word verification word. It seems fitting.
Nina, I am so sorry about your dear friend :( I pray God shows you how to offer her comfort.
When I was pregnant with Jude (and railing against the injustice of it) I had 3 friends also pregnant with baby boys, all due within a few months of each other. These 4 were meant to be friends, I thought, but 2 of the 4 were lost. Every day I am thankful for his life, and I wonder at the miracle that I was allowed to keep him.
And if we're using verification words as name suggestions... mine's Poleaks. Pretty good, Nina, pretty good.
Ahh, you are all such kind readers. As for the name suggestions, sure...keep them coming. Perhaps Elvul Poleaks is just the name we're searching for.
Truth be told, we think we've got the first name figured out -- and all without a fight. I said, "I was kind of thinking about ----" and he said, "That's funny, I was too, but I never thought you'd go for it so I decided there was no point in mentioning it." We'll see folks, we'll see.
And Emily...that is so sad, and you must feel such wonderment that Jude is safely with you.
Peaj, I confess I am often more likely to ask "why me?" about the bad things rather than the good. I'm learning, I hope.
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