Who writes these things? Have you ever thought about how dreadful and inappropriate most sympathy card sentiments are? I ran into the grocery store this evening for five items and came out with fifteen instead. As usual. But one of the things I realized I needed was a sympathy card. We have a new and amazing grocery store in town with a huge card section, so it's not actually lame of me to look for one there.
Anyway.
It's always hard to find any kind of card with just the right sentiment, but a sympathy card is a particular challenge. Tonight I decided to reject all the God cards. They all seemed insensitive. Ironic, right? One of the cards I picked up said something like "Praying for you as God heals your heart." What? Their loved one has just died. Can't they grieve? Can't we acknowledge the black hole of their pain and loss rather than rushing them toward "healing"?
On Monday evening, my friend called me. Her seventeen-year-old stepson had had an aneurysm that morning. He was not expected to make it. This boy was a gifted athlete who had just graduated from high school. He had a full scholarship to play baseball at a college in Pennsylvania. He was in apparent perfect health. He died yesterday. Are there words for these circumstances? None could be found in the sympathy card section, but W.H. Auden struck just the right note in his poem "Funeral Blues."
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let traffic policeman wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
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7 comments:
You're right, Nina; that poem says it exactly.
And I, too, have searched and searched for the right sympathy card...Finally I just settled upon the one with the least amount of words and had some sort of sentiment that sounded like I was sorry for their pain.
And I am sorry for your friend's pain, I can only imagine.
What a terrible, terrible tragedy.
I once had a coworker that lost an 18 year old son, killed by a drunk driver in a head on collision. I don't think I will ever forget the horrible look on the father's face at the funeral.
I'm glad that you found a card that worked for you, but I would not have chosen that card. I understand the sentiment, but it is hard for me to read the poem without thinking that it is trying to be cute or gently humorous in some way. And I have never had to endure personal tragedy like your friend has, but I can't imagine ending on the line For nothing now can ever come to any good. Maybe your friend feels that way, and undoubtedly you know your friend better than I, but I wouldn't want to end on that note. It feels too hopeless.
If I felt that offering hope would only hurt more, I would probably just express how I was sorrowing with them.
I'm really sad at your friend's stepson's death. I pray for your and her comfort.
Jess, I agree, the fewest words is the best tactic for a sympathy card along with the sentiment you expressed.
Peaj, the card that I chose doesn't have the poem on it...I just think the poem accurately expresses the way people often feel (and how I have felt felt) in grief. When you're in the thick of grief, it seems like the whole world should just stop. But instead people need to be fed, you run out of toilet paper, and kids need to be driven to baseball practice. Life just marches on.
I actually don't find the poem hopeless. It's a snapshot of a moment in time when you can't imagine life without that person in it. That moment may be hopeless, but things don't generally remain that way. I guess I like the poem so much because it doesn't deny the reality of the way people feel in the depths of grief.
I have never been able to buy a sympathy card, for just that reason. Words fail.
with everything in me, my heart goes out to the parents of this young man.
When I have mourned in the past and people try to say hopeful things to me I kind of want to punch them in the head. When I have lost loved ones it truly feels like there will be nothing good ever again. Someone saying that there will be good again or that we will see our love one again seems kind of trite and like they are more or less saying,"Cheer up. Smile. God loves you".All I really want them to say is,"I am so sorry for your loss".
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