Today I was outside -- not for long, it was sweltering! -- holding Son4 and standing in the shade of the Sycamore tree. He was not having a great day because he just couldn't settle in for a real nap. With this particular baby, that is not an all-out disaster. His version of fussy is simply wanting to be held and have someone hold his paci in his mouth. There's really no screaming and crying involved. So I was standing in the shade holding him and holding his little green paci in his mouth and considering what the heck was I doing with this day anyway? and it just struck me for a moment that my time is so not my own anymore. Again.
A year ago today I could have been doing who knows what at any moment...but right now, at any given moment I am probably holding a baby. And I agree that that is lovely in so many ways. But it's also very different from what I've been doing lately, and it means my life is a lot less flexible. I am okay with this. I really am. Today I am okay with this.
I've been thinking of that verse that says not to worry. Why shouldn't we worry? The funny thing is that the verse doesn't say don't worry because it's a sin, or because God hates it, or anything like that. My little inner-religious-freak child says those are the reasons. But no, the verse just basically says that worry is pointless. God's got it all covered and tomorrow has enough trouble of its own, so what's the point of worry?
It seems that the thing about this baby is that I have to live in the moment. I have to take care of him. Feed him. Change him. Comfort him. All of that happens NOW. There is no putting it off. And so I have to live in today. In this very moment, and I can't really plan anything. And I may think there is a lot I have to do, but mostly I just have to take care of him. And I have to do it NOW.
So this is how today went: Today he woke me at four in the morning to be fed. Today he wouldn't go back to sleep, so the husband held baby boy on his chest, holding the paci in his mouth, trying to get him to sleep, which he sort of did. The baby boy squirmed for a long time, and then he slept. Today he woke up at seven for another bottle. Today we took a walk and he slept on the walk but woke up when we came home. After that he wouldn't sleep and had to be held all day. That's today.
Tomorrow may be different. Or it may be like today. Six months from now will be different. And a year from now most definitely will be. I don't know how I'll do it or when I'll work. I just don't know. But that's not today. Today I fed my kids. Today I took care of two boys who got migraines. Today I didn't try to work. Today I read a book while I fed the baby. Today I prayed while I fed the baby and prayed while I walked with him in the stroller. Today we watched a movie while I held the baby who wouldn't sleep.
I have no idea about tomorrow or all the tomorrows after that, but I do know that tomorrow has enough worry of it's own. And I'll leave that for tomorrow.
4 comments:
there really isn't a lot of room for many other things when there's an infant and then other children... my sanity was just accepting that. But then, my problem later on was that I continued to believe it well after Jude's infancy. The last 6 months have begun to fill up with me trying to take charge again; it's been a struggle. I am so glad that you can embrace the moment right now!
Emily, even as I was writing that post I thought...hmmm, what if I get stuck in a place thinking I can't get much done and I'm still thinking that a year from now. But then I decided to just stay in the moment and let that other stuff figure itself out later. :)
BTW, you gave me your email address so I could send you our mailing address because I think you'd knitted a hat for the new little buddy...and I failed. Never emailed. I'm so sorry. It amazes me the most basic things I fail to do. And now I can't even find your email address! Do you want to give it to me again?
I suggest deleting Emily's last post so that spammers can't harvest her email address from the page. Sounds paranoid, but it really happens.
but mostly I just have to take care of him. And I have to do it NOW
Ah, love. It compels us. What a wonderful work you are doing, caring for this little one and letting him know just how important his needs are. You are laying a foundation so that when he reaches to God it won't be so hard for him to imagine Someone taking care of all his needs. Even the ones that he doesn't know about.
"Son4"! What a blessing to have four sons!
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